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  • Writer's pictureCrispieTales


I look back at how much I have healed. How much I had to shed, let go of, find myself a new self again. How much I used to struggle with a brain that simply didn’t work like it used to and how my ego could not handle this. I was always top of the class, always first in the race, the best at the sport (or at least up there!) the quickest, the smartest, the most organised, successful, doing so much in one day that others would be tired thinking about it.

The crazy before the calm that was the storm. It hit me hard and stress and adrenal fatigue (among a mutlitude of other things that will stop you!) will do that. It is the body and mind’s way of literally stopping you in your tracks. Don’t take for granted how much you’re damaged, mind body and soul. After all they are all interlinked. Science is rapidly showing the mind and body connection, and we are made of energy and an energy body can be affected in so many ways, and from what I’ve learnt and experienced this all comes from us as spiritual beings, souls!

Don’t take for granted that because you’ve been through trauma (physical or mental or emotional) that you will still be able to be a highly functioning athlete, friend, parent, daughter/son, lover, employee to self or others! Or even just one of the above.

If you were typically an A type personality, that go getting, doer, the one everyone asked to do something if they wanted it done yesterday, don’t think that your cognitive abilities aren’t dulled down, when we are hurt in any way, we dull everything down sometimes to cope. If we can’t feel one thing as intensely, how can we possibly feel another.

I look back at the times I didn’t have enough energy to make it through a day without a nap. I look back at those times I couldn’t remember my patient’s names and link them easily to their faces. I look back at times I was walking down the street and didn’t have the energy to smile at an acquaintance incase they wanted to come and talk. I look back at the times I couldn’t begin to see where I could possibly fit something in and make a plan too far in advance as I wouldn’t know how i’d feel, if i’d have enough energy. I look back at times that I cried in the shower, in the kitchen on the floor in a heap, on the phone to my bestie because she was the only one who really knew how much of a mess I was (and only the amount I chose to show her). I look back at the times I couldn’t bare to get out of bed as I had no energy to simply take a step, or pull back the covers. I look back at the time my head was so fuzy simple problems just seemed impossible. I look back at times that one tiny thing that went wrong, in fact actually just didn’t go how I wanted it to, tipped me over the edge of reason into complete over reaction, anger and stress. I look back at not being able to cope. I look back to being overwhelmed, misunderstood (or so it seemed) and unsupported (because I wasn’t supporting myself).

I look back,

So much has taken place, so much learning, healing, understanding, forgiveness, self acceptance, self love, gratitude and resilience building. So much more will take place. I will continue this path and journey most likely the rest of my life as it is actually what I love to do to help others.

But right now, I look back. And I am wiser, healing, understood, knowledgeable, forgiven and forgiving, accepted and accepting, loving and loved, grateful and resilient. I owe it to too many people to mention and I hope you all know who you are. I also owe it to myself and I look back with respect and thanks, gratitude for doing the work and continuing to show up daily for me. Good job you! You did it, you’ve come this far, let’s see where we can reach! Keep going!

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